Surviving Husband’s Germs
Surviving Husband’s germs. It has happened. It is not even a month from spring and he brings home one of the toughest, nastiest virus there is that is currently on outbreak in our county. I like sharing … But, not this. The dreaded Noro-Virus.
It Begins-Husband’s Germs-
It started Thursday night. I was having a beautiful dream about baked goods. I was driving down the road in my dream and was just about to bite into this amazing looking brownie that magically appeared in a brown paper bag, when I was jolted awake. It was the sounds of forced, hard projectile vomiting. I hate vomit. I would spend the rest of the night, listening to him repeatedly running through the bedroom where me and my daughter sleep to the bathroom. He’s 6 ft tall and over 200 pounds. He’s not like a graceful gazelle in when he runs. He runs more like a giant ape tripping over things in the night or a bull in a China Shop or Sasquatch realizing pine needles don’t make good toilet paper.
To add insult to injury, I was extra not amused because the night before, I had zero sleep when my daughter turned karate kid on me and kicked me repeatedly in the side ALL night long. Three days later and my side is still tender.
At one point I even got the honor of cleaning his puke can because he was not physical able. There has to be a trophy. A big honking, shiny trophy with my name on it somewhere. That was what nightmares are made of, I promise. I was dry heaving and a piece of me died inside.
The morning after with Husband’s Germs-
The next morning, not knowing what he had, I went around spraying Lysol and wiping everything. Abby girl kept repeating, daddy’s sick and spraying Lysol everywhere. My husband kept telling me he had food poisoning. I did not believe him. He told me the can of soup was bad and maybe I didn’t check the expiration date. Thank you Google for telling me all he could get was botulism. He had no neuro signs, just excessive loss of bodily stuff, so my mommy-sense went off like an alarm.
He was grumpy and sick. So I hurried to complete my office work in the early AM and gathered my daughter for an escape. I wasn’t sure if it was the flu, food poisoning, or him spawning an alien. All I knew was to get out of there, and fast. No man left behind is out the window in this situation and survival mode was on like Donkey Kong.
We were not exactly home free yet though. He in his illness was crying out for a bagel. There are no bagel stores anywhere near us. My blood sugar was getting low and I was getting cranky. Abby and I ran to our local supermarket and got him a bagel. I knew this was a dumb choice but of course, none of the practical suggestions sounded good to him. But, what my man wants is what he gets. Mom’s are all about teaching lessons.
At the store, several women sympathized with me about my plight. As Abby and I were leaving, Abby wanted to get daddy reading material. She picked him up the wedding guide and an issue of Hudson Valley Parent. We got home and literally threw the stuff at him from as far away as possible and left.
So, Me and Abby’s first destination was the bagel store. We stopped and had a rainbow bagel together and a big pile of bacon. Maury Povich was on the one television. Not exactly educational, but it better than being at home with Mr. Pukey Pants. We all know how men get when they are sick. Sorry men that are reading this, because I speak the truth.
Still stalling on going home …
The next stop we made was to the mall. I went to take Abby out of carseat and her shoes were completely missing even after tossing stuff everywhere like a mom tornado. This fear came over me that she tossed them out the window at someone like the time she took my hiking pole, rolled down the window, went all medieval and tried jousting someone from the car like two horses passing each other. I seriously thought the pole wasn’t in her reach. The day I realized she could go Houdini in her carseat.
I needed to pee bad and couldn’t take her in a restroom with no shoes. Gross. We stopped in Payless and had to pay eighteen dollars for a pair of sneakers she didn’t need. The minute they were on and we paid, she was off and running. We ran and ran and ran and ran some more. I was reminded of Forest Gump when he said “I just kept runnin and runnin. They were my magic shoes …” We stopped running for a brief snack. Then were off again. We spent time in Five Below and the playhouse in Target. Fun trick, I put a stuffed animal on the roof and it kept her occupied for like five whole minutes while she tried to get it.
A final stall tactic-
Our third stop was the grocery store. We spent a lot of time here and way over spent our budget. But, it kept us out of the house. That was all that matter. No pictures as my phone decided to run out of battery juice.
The Return Home (we thought)
We eventually returned home. After getting comfortable, the dreaded words, “aren’t you taking me to the doctor?” In 12.5 years, he has never let me drive as for some reason, my driving makes him nervous. So I put Abby back in the car, cracked the windows and drove Ms. Daisy, I mean my husband, to the doctor. Listening to his little backseat driver comments in his sick little voice. My mom asked me why I didn’t put him on a bus.
I dropped him at front entrance and left. No way I was going in and facing God knows what other germs. Images of germs jumping on us laughing maniacally as they climb down our nasal passages. So me and Abby headed to the next adventure, grocery store.
At store we ran into someone Brian works with and at first I didn’t recognize this man and he kept appearing. This slightly grizzly man made me a little nervous. But, then I finally recognized him and he was very nice. He told me to get Brian Gatorade. After, we got our stuff, and more cleaner, we headed back to get the Obi One Germy One.
When he eventually returned to the car, I find out he is pre-diabetic which has nothing to do with this story and he has something called Noro Virus aka the cruise ship illness. It’s a stomach virus and worse than the flu in my opinion. It is no Love Boat at our house right now.
The Take Away-
What did I learn? All the products I was using and purchasing are ineffective toward Noro Virus. Think heavily armed germs with a protective layer. They have a layer that is resistant to pretty much anything but bleach and peroxide. Bleach is the most effective. Sadly, I am deathly allergic to bleach and don’t feel like having a severe allergic reaction trying to avoid my husband’s nasty virus. My luck, that would be my final demise. Death by allergic reaction to bleach avoiding man germs. Fun fact, I noticed today, my excessive hand washing has dried out my hands so bad that they cracked open in one spot. I won’t even touch the moisturizer because he touched it.
Furthermore, This virus is supposedly strongest for around three days but a person can be a carrier for up to two weeks. So there will be no daddy, mommy “alone” time for a very long period of time. Mom, I know you read this blog sorry for the TMI. Again, no love boat over here.
Light At End of Tunnel?
Today Abby and I chanced hanging out with him in his bedroom. We found some peroxide cleaner yesterday and he saturated everything with it. However, I’m not sure if that was the smart decision or not to be in there. We are heading into the fourth day tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Bad enough dealing with a sick man in the house. This is a whole adventure I never want to revisit. Worst is the ruined donut dream!
Click here to see the survival guide every mom, wife should have to protect themselves when the man falls ill. My sister in law said “booze, headphones and something to knock him out.” If you have anything to add, please comment!
If you would like to learn more about Noro-Virus jump over to the CDC website. The people on the page look way to happy to be inflicted with Noro Virus. There is even a video!
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